Slender Pin, Innocuous

You put a hole in my heart. Ruptured a hole in my heart. Slender pin, innocuous - like in the pincushions in mom's sewing room. You put a hole in my heart. I keep thinking this is about him, the one who dug his fingers into my sternum like a surgeon and pulled my ribcage apart, but it's not. It's about you, Kenn. You put a hole in my heart. How could someone as beautiful and full of life and sass as you die from something as small as a virus? How could you behave with me the way you did and not love me even a little? This is where the gaslighting started and I know you didn't do it on purpose - you were busy trying not to die. But you put a hole in my heart. And from that hole, I think my floor of safety died. The version of me who believed everything would always be okay died. Grief, sex, loss, lust, beauty, pain, all of this packed into one story, at one time, and even though if you hadn't contracted AIDS and died slow motion in front of me I think the rest of that story would have turned out so differently - even though, even though, even though. You put a hole in my heart. You're the one who touched my heart and after you died, I couldn't bear to let anyone see it. To be fair, I tried, but no one around me cared that you died or that I died when you died.

You put a hole in my heart. 

Ruptured a hole in my heart but I feel the hole in my abdomen as I write this.

Memory of that torrential rain type of hole.

Black sheet of paper after you died hole.

Black sheet of paper all over.

And then I started putting holes in me. 

🎧 Bring This Prompt into Your Own Body

The essay you just read began as a prompt inside the Body Writers Circle. We take our prompts from song lyrics and write whatever our bodies want to say. If your own body feels full or unsafe to exist in today, I invite you to try this gentle Body Writing™ practice:

Set the Mood: 

Get cozy, plug in headphones and sink into this week's featured song on Spotify.

Listen:

Close your eyes. Don't worry about the lyrics or what they mean intellectually. Just notice how the rhythm, melody and vibe affect your body. What do you feel opening up and coming forward?

Write:

Open your journal and write the opening lyric (You put a hole in my heart.) at the top of your page. Don't try to match my writing; just notice: what does it bring up for you? What does it make your body want to say? Write for three pages – without editing, censoring yourself or trying to make your writing "good."

Why Journaling Alone Is Only the First Step

While practicing this alone can bring beautiful moments of connection and relief, trying to navigate your deepest, most intense stories alone is a big ask for a sensitive nervous system. When you're the only one holding the pen and the space, your inner critic takes charge easily, causing you to freeze up or pull back before finding the deeper medicine.

True somatic resolution requires co-regulation.

Which is why doing this work inside an ultra-intimate, zero-critique group of just 5 to 6 women changes everything. In the Body Writers Circle, you don't carry emotional weight by yourself. The shared presence of our tiny, trusted community holds space for you – allowing you to feel safe venturing into the depths your body needs without freezing or flooding.

If you feel a quiet, resonant yes to this, you belong with us. 

A new, founding member circle is opening soon. (June 2026)

Add your name to the waitlist here, for first access to a space. 💗